Do you remember the 1960s TV show, “The Dating Game,” hosted by Jim Lange? It featured three eligible bachelors, or bachelorettes, and they were ensconced behind a panel, unseen by the person on the other side of the panel asking them questions, trying to get to know them. When you have only a few minutes to ask just a few questions to decide whether you want to risk going on a date with them, you tend to zero in on what you think is most important to know. It’s like that in business too, because often you have to make a decision quickly on who you trust to handle important business for you. You think quickly and ask quickly.
Now, after that program came the TV show, “The Newlywed Game,” which featured newly married couples being quizzed on how well they knew each other after only a few months of marriage. How much do you know about the things your spouse loves? Could you enter a competition and win answering questions about another family member, knowing what’s most important to someone your love? Often we think we know everything there is to know about our family members, our spouses, and professional colleagues, only to find out, one day, that we really don’t or we can’t recall.
When there’s no pressure, we can often recite our loved ones’ favorite foods, TV shows, sports teams, authors, and we can even name the people who were influential to their growing up. But what if you have to think quickly about describing the life of someone in an obituary or tribute? Does your mind go blank when you have to come up with those answers quickly? In that situation, you are sharing what you hope are the most important events and accomplishments a person has had in his or her lifetime without oversharing or without omitting key events. It’s an important balancing act we have in crafting a brief summary of who they are and what meant something to them in their lifetimes with you.
One of the things at Callaway-Jones that we like to discuss with families when it comes time to design a celebration of life service for their loved one is to have them share the things that they loved most about their spouse, parent, grandparent, or dear friend. Capturing a person’s heart in a few words is not always easy but think for a minute. If you only have five things you could tell a friend about a person you’ve loved who’s just passed away, what would you share about them?
Did they have a special nickname from childhood forward? Did they love a particular form of music and always have it playing at home or in the car? When it came to family holidays, were they the chef with a signature dish at every special occasion? When you’re not trying, the answers to these questions come to you almost automatically. But when you have just lost that person, you might draw a complete blank when someone asks you these questions.
That’s why it’s always good to make notes along the way for the future. You don’t write things down “in case people die,” but because you want their memories to be alive forever. Sometimes, people keep their entire library of favorite songs on their cell phones or on their computer. They may have a playlist on their choice of streaming music service if that is the age bracket they fall into. But, quick, what was the special song your Mom and Dad always called “their song”? How did your parents meet? If they were introduced by mutual friends, what are their names? Do the answers to these questions come to your mind immediately? If not, maybe these are questions you want to ask your loved ones early, and you may want to write the answers down.
Favorite things change, of course, throughout a person’s lifetime. Things we loved as children can easily give way to others. Favorite sports teams, though, are often ones we pick as youngsters, because our parents take us to games, and we grow up loving the teams they loved. Ask any Baby Boomer why they like a certain team, and chances are it’s because their Mom or Dad took them to see that team. It’s why generations of people grow up learning to love the Texas Aggies, because we start our children out early to love “our team,” and the same is true for our friends at Sam Houston, Blinn, and at the University of Texas at Austin.
One thing that we are all gifted with during our lifetimes are in the clear, colorful stories of our loved ones. Classic “Granddad stories,” or “Grandma’s favorite rules” are the legends you tell your children about in case they passed away before your children could know them well. The stories of our lives, then, are what we aim to tell. It’s the little things, those nuances, that help us define and describe those we love to other people so they can see why they mean so much to us.
We often ask: “How do you want to be remembered?” at early planning meetings. If you’ve taken some time early on to list things that are especially meaningful to you or to someone you love, it will help later when that time comes. It can be very helpful, and healing, to make a list of things you want shared and smiled about when the time comes to host your memorial service or celebration of life. Your life is special, and we want to help you share your best memories.
If your stories are not already written down anywhere, whether on a genealogy data base, in a family Bible, or even in an online journal, consider videotaping them or make a sound recording even if it is just on your phone. Think of how amazing it will be 50 years from now for a future grandchild to hear your voice from the past. Those kinds of memory gifts last far beyond your lifetime and will one day be among your family’s “favorite things”!
